Lucky Dad No. 26: Peaceful and Joyful

I have a theory that if there is discord in a family, it isn’t the children’s fault. The children may be the manifestation of it, because kids tend to act out their emotions more openly than adults, but I maintain that if there is tension in the house then it’s the parents who are the likely source of it.

Tolstoy was on to something when he said “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” At the heart of every happy family is a strong marriage. Of all the ways that I have been lucky, being married to Francine is at the top of the list. Like every couple, we’ve had to negotiate our differences and conflicts, but these have been like ripples on a deep pool of equanimity. Francine’s mother once asked Claire whether Francine and I ever had “cross words.” Claire said that, yes we did. Every weekend, she said, Mom and Dad did the “cross words” in the morning newspaper together.

Claire had a tumultuous year in fourth grade. We had just relocated to New Jersey and she was attending a small elementary school. Claire adapted well, for the most part. She made friends, she had no problems with the schoolwork, and she seemed to handle all challenges that came her way.

The homeroom teacher Ms. F—, though, was a piece of work. Early on, Claire began reporting that Ms. F— was having difficulty controlling the classroom, and in particular she had trouble with a few unruly boys. More than once, Claire came home and told us that Ms. F— “flew into a towering rage” that day. Needless to say, Francine and I were worried about Claire’s classroom environment, even as we were amused by having a nine year old who used phrases like “flew into a towering rage.”

So Francine and I were quite concerned and curious to hear what Ms. F— would have to say at our first parent-teacher conference. After we had run through the usual agenda—Claire’s academic progress, her interactions with the other children, etc.—Francine broached the topic of classroom discipline, and recounted some of Claire’s stories. Ms. F— made no denials; she acknowledged the challenges she had in maintaining control of the classroom and, at times, of her own temper. But she assured us that Claire was not part of the problem. No, not at all. However, she told us that once, after berating the miscreants, she had looked over and seen Claire hunched over her desk with her hands covering her ears.

You can imagine the alarm that Francine and I felt, hearing this teacher admitting to us, essentially, that she could not control her temper and that our daughter was physically cowering in her classroom. But what Ms. F— said next turned the entire story into one of our family’s treasured classics. Ms. F— told us that she had gone over to Claire to ask her if she was all right. To which Claire replied, “Yes, I’m all right. But it isn’t like this at home. At home, it’s peaceful and joyful.”

“Peaceful and joyful.” What more could any parent ask?